Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow, and nothing panned out as I planned
They say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied
I better learn how to swim cause the crossing is chilly and wide
Twisted guardrails on the highway, broken glass on the cement
The ghost of someone's tragedy -- how recklessly my time has been spent
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't -- you don't get any younger
I better learn how to starve the emptiness and feed the hunger...
--Indigo Girls
You know it's been a long time since I've last blogged when I actually couldn't remember how to log on to this site, or even what the URL was. I confess I've been going through something of a midlife crisis since turning 40 in February. Nothing major -- it's not as if I did something crazy like quit my job, give up my long-running comedy show and move across the country for a guy I barely know. (I already did that when I was 37.)
No, I've just been feeling incredibly... inert. Stuck. Paralyzed. Unable to do anything other than meet the minimum requirements of my life: Sleep. Get up. Go to work. Host weekly Bar-Tini show. Go to the gym. (Not nearly enough.) Eat. (Too much.) And waste hours and hours of my life watching shitty reality television and checking Facebook and Twitter obsessively.
It's not depression, exactly. Depression is more extreme -- more intense. (And I know whereof I speak. In 2002, a year before I started doing comedy, I quit my job as a daytime producer at Fox News to become the 11 o'clock producer of "Eyewitness News" at New York's ABC affiliate, and I immediately slipped into a debilitating psychological state. I have a journal from that six-month period full of rantings like, "Snap out of it! What the hell is wrong with you?!" and descriptions of my inability to make a dentist appointment. That's how depressed I was: I didn't have the energy to call the dentist and make an appointment to get a cleaning. THAT'S depression.)
This is actually what got me through it.
No, this feels more like existential laziness. Like when I was a teenager and would come home from high school and collapse on the sofa staring blankly at "General Hospital" and "Oprah" until my father would mosey on in from his home pediatric office into the den and scream, "No daytime TV!" at me until I'd tell him to go fuck himself.
Dear Ol' Dad.
I just don't know what to do with myself lately. Or more accurately, I do know what to do, but I can't seem to do it. "What to do" -- what I should do -- is to get my ass in gear and start working on my career again. ("My career." I always feel so ridiculously campy saying that -- like Joan Crawford in "Mildred Pierce.") But I don't know what else to call it. My career. This... thing. This drive to become a professional comedian that I started in 2003 -- as a direct result of my Eyewitness News-based depression -- and that has now apparently driven me to my current state of ennui. I need to start working on that again. I need to, but I haven't been able to for a long, long time now.
It's not that I've given up comedy per se. I still do it, after all. I still book and host and promote a weekly show for which I am constantly writing new material. And I still get booked to perform at other places -- some terrific places, actually, as seen by the list of my upcoming gigs. And I still love doing it. Truly, I do. After eight years, I still love walking onto a stage, telling original stories and having people laugh at those stories. It makes me feel like I'm using the best part of myself. (As opposed to the aforementioned reality TV watching, which makes me feel like I'm using drugs. And not in a fun way.)
What I don't do -- and haven't done for over a year -- is to work on the business side of comedy. Which is the side I hate and the side at which I am truly terrible. I am the opposite of a Hollywood type. I don't know how to schmooze. I don't know how to network. I don't know how to "brand" myself. All I know how to do is work hard and be funny, and, as I have learned over nearly a decade of this business, neither of those qualities has much to do with success.
This became most apparent to me during my brief and ill-fated attempt at living on the West Coast. Two really traumatic things happened to me, career-wise. I've never blogged about them because A) It's considered really bad form when an aspiring performer tells everyone how badly his career is going -- "Hey everyone, look at what a fucking loser I am!" -- and B) When I say "traumatic" I'm not exaggerating. These were things that kept me awake many a night and contributed in no small way to the disintegration of my relationship with Boy Wonder. They changed me. They hardened me. They turned me from a starry-eyed, plucky optimist into a bitter, jaded old Joan Crawford-like shrew.
Last night I had Leah Bonnema over for drinks. Leah is a new friend of mine -- someone I've gotten to know in the last year. She's not only a terrific comedian -- recently named to "favorite female comic" lists on both the Huffington Post and College Candy -- but also a genuinely lovely person.
Anyway, I rambled on for several hours about my existential bullshit and terrible tales of West Coast woe, and after listening to it, Leah gave me her version of tough love. (Which is actually rather gentle.) She pointed out that the people who make it in this business are the ones who get the door slammed in their faces 1,000 times... and keep knocking until they find the one door that opens.
Which of course I know is the absolute truth. But maybe I need to be reminded again and again.
Leah also told me that she thinks I shine as a performer when I do the news headlines every week at That Sank Show, as well as when I host my little "Are You Smarter Than a Homo?" game show there. Before she stumbled off drunkenly into the night (after a total of one vodka-soda), Leah made me promise that I'll start videotaping these segments every week and putting them on YouTube.
So I will. I promise. And thank you, Leah.
I also realized, after she left, that I need to let go of what happened to me on the West Coast. And the only way I've ever known how to do that is to blog about it. And so I will... next time. I promise.
And thank you, Leah.
Homo Emerging From Cocoon. ♥
Don't miss THAT SANK SHOW tomorrow and every Wednesday night at Bar-Tini Ultra Lounge! This week's lineup is headlined by Christian Finnegan (Comedy Central Presents) and features Shawn Hollenbach and Joanna Ross! Details here.
5 comments:
I agree with Leah. 100% We are in the rejection business, Adam, and it takes its toll on everyone. You are human, but you are one fucking funny human. Look at this down time as the opportunity to recharge your batteries and rearrange your priorities. Unfortunately, the business end is always there and will never go away. I have friends that have been doing comedy for close to 30 years and they are not "famous" but well known by anyone who frequents comedy clubs. You have gotten a lot further than anyone in the circle of comics I know and/or work with. Pat yourself on the back, have a good cry, and get the hell up. Again, again and again. God bless, funny friend.
Glad to see you blogging again. Just wondering if after your next post I'm going to have to fly out to the West Coast and kick some ass?! Hang in there - everyone goes through these stages, but that doesn't make it any easier at the time. Can't wait to see the new bits!
You go Adam! I believe in you, always have, always will! Love you, SUBARU
The doors that open with the most difficulty are there for a reason. Its to discourage those who dont really need this or aren't willing to stick it out to turn around and leave. It thins the heard. Fortunately there are LOTS of different doors and some open for you that will never open for so many others. Some are shut tight so that we work even harder and get stronger. In the end all that matters is that you don't stop. You just keep going... and growing.
I really used to get discouraged when I felt that doors that should have opened for me were just archways for others to just walk through. I would compare myself to others and feel slighted, get angry and then I and got discouraged and depressed. I would often blame myself and feel maybe THEY KNOW BEST MAYBE I AM NOT THAT GOOD. Oh the time wasted!!!! I have learned to not do this. Just for today- I focus on what I do well and better than most and run with that. I write, I create. I keep going. I totally agree that you should do the You tube thing Leah said. Doing what you do best, leading with your strengths is key.
As for being old!!! Its all relative, and you are younger today than you will be tomorrow so enjoy it. You are still several years younger than when I even started doing stand up!
In the end where you wind up will only be where you find yourself and once there we often are still looking to be in the next place. Its a process. Set creative goals and work for them. Let where they take you be in the universes hands. The process should be the focus. Far to often I have cried why not me? I was standing there thinking I was starving with a loaf of bread under each arm. I was better off than I knew. I was not grateful for where I was or what I had achieved. I only saw where I wasn't/ not where I was. I had to stop doing that. It was a muck that I got stuck in and went no where or at best in circles. Focus on content and in the Doing... That is the product that is what we do, it comes from who we are and that is where it all grows from.
You are an exceptional talent... Polish and shine that star that you are! Look inside, and keep going!
xo
so nice to see you're alive and blogging (even though you've never read/commented on my blog, you SNOT!!)
and I'll say it again, you'd make a great teacher-- you get a built-in adoring audience, a paycheck and summers off
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