Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Roadside Assistance

To My Faithful Family Members, Fans, Friends and Fiends:

I beseech your help.

Beginning Jan. 2, I will be hitting the road for my drive back across the U.S., otherwise known as "Breakup Comedy Tour 2010."

That's right; I'm taking lemons and making lemonade. If I have to end a relationship and drive 3,000 miles, I might as well spread my comedy throughout the land and make a few bucks (if not yucks) along the way.

The goal is to perform as many gigs as possible and never have to pay for a motel room. And that's where you guys come in...

Please direct your attention to the following route schedule:

Sat. Jan 2: Yuma, AZ
Sun. Jan. 3: Tucson, AZ
Mon. Jan. 4: El Paso, TX
Tue. Jan. 5: Albuquerque, NM
Wed. Jan. 6: Santa Fe, NM
Thu. Jan. 7: Amarillo, TX
Fri. Jan. 8: Oklahoma City, OK
Sat-Sun. Jan. 9-10: Little Rock , AR
Mon. Jan. 11: Memphis, TN
Tue. Jan. 12: Nashville, TN
Wed. Jan. 13: Louisville, KY/Columbus, OH
Thu. Jan. 14: Pittsburgh, PA/Morgantown, WV
Fri. Jan. 15: Philadelphia, PA/Poconos
Sat. Jan. 16: Home

Before I continue with my plea, can I just point out how truly difficult it is to map a trip across the country? Particularly for someone like me, who has the sense of direction of a mentally deficient flea? Originally, I had planned to go from Yuma to Phoenix to Flagstaff, before heading on to Albuqerque.

It was subsequently pointed out to me that driving a Toyota Yaris through the snow-covered mountains between Phoenix and Flagstaff in January is maybe not the best idea.

Also... who knew that in order to go in a straight line, one must drive from Texas to New Mexico and back to Texas again?! Or that Pittsburgh was so close to West Virginia?! Not me!!!!!

ANYWAY: I already have confirmed bookings in Yuma (The Closet) and Little Rock (Star Bar), along with a near-confirmed one in Albuquerque.

But if you or someone you know lives in one of the other cities listed above, particularly if you or he has a contact at a bar, club or lounge where comedy is or could be performed, please hook me up. I hereby deputize you to be my road manager/publicist. All you have to do is forward the following pitch:
_____
Hilarious Comedian Adam Sank is coming to your town the night of Jan. ____!

Adam Sank is one of the most popular openly gay standup comics in the country, having been featured on Season Six of NBC's "Last Comic Standing." He has also appeared on truTV's "Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest Criminals," Vh-1's "Best Week Ever," Here-TV's "Hot Gay Comics" and Sirius-XM OutQ Radio.

On the West Coast, Adam's comedy has been featured at "Thank Gays It's Friday" at West Hollywood's Laugh Factory, "Gays R Us" at the Hollywood Improv and "Rainbow Comedy Night" at Ventura Harbor Comedy Club.


Before moving out West, Adam spent six years performing comedy in and around New York City, with headlining spots on Fire Island (The Ice Palace at Cherry Grove) the Poconos (Rainbow Mountain Resort) and Rehoboth Beach (The Blue Moon). Adam also hosted "Adam Sank's Gay Bash," a monthly showcase at New York's Comix comedy club. And for three years, he was the host and producer of the wildly popular "Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour" at New York's Therapy lounge.

A prolific writer, Adam has written articles for "The New York Times," "The San Francisco Sentinel,""Southern Voice" (Atlanta) and "Watermark" (Orlando, FL). He is a co-author of the Esquire Magazine Book, "Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30."

To book Adam, please email him by clicking here.
# # #

_________

If it's a gay venue, you can direct the booker's attention to the following set from Therapy this past June:

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-uQLOJnrbY

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82V8pkd-MOI&feature=related

If it's a straight venue, they can watch this set from Comix from December, 2008:

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8obPLSgiwY

Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQCHQZ3_p0E&feature=related

I have already been shown immense kindness by friends and strangers alike in recent days; I am supremely grateful for yours as well.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any assistance, and may the games begin.

Homo hitting the road.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Things Fall Apart

This is the blog post I never wanted to write.

I am very sorry to announce that BW and I have decided it's best that we separate at this time, and that I move back to the East Coast.

There was no big blowout. No fighting. No ugliness. No one is a villain here. We love each other very much. But after nearly two years, we finally accepted that we just can't make it work... at least not now and not in San Diego.

This is obviously an excruciating time for both of us. While I am looking forward to being reuinted with all the friends and family I dearly miss (not to mentioning restarting an all-but-dead comedy career), it feels like there's a gaping wound in my chest.

I know this news may come as a great shock to those of you who know us personally. We're not ones to air our dirty laundry. But it's something we've been dealing with on our own for many weeks and months. We both appreciate your support and understanding as we move forward.

As for a timeline: I plan on remaining in San Diego through year's end. Immediately after the new year arrives, I'll be packing up my things and driving Rhoda across country... possibly hitting some comedy gigs along the way. Once back East, I'll likely spend a few months with my family in the Jersey 'burbs before moving back to NYC fulltime.

Stay tuned.

I wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving.

Homo sad.


My favorite photo of us.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, I have now connected my Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Blogger and Linkedin pages. I think I am experiencing my first technology high.
This is a test to see whether I have successfully pinged all my social networks together. And whether I succesfully used "ping" as a verb.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

That's Showbiz

(Deep breath.)

The Mad House Comedy Club is closed until further notice, and won't be opening again until they find a new location.

Obviously, this means my shows this Nov. 13 and 14 are canceled.

My apologies to all, especially weekly press who ran notices this week. This is the first time in my seven years of doing comedy that a club has ever closed on me. I truly appreciate your support and coverage.

TO REPEAT: NO SHOWS AT THE MAD HOUSE COMEDY CLUB THIS COMING WEEKEND.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

A Tale of Two Kitties

I'm back, y'all -- for reals -- no bullshit. With an actual story to tell. But first: A wee bit of self-promotion to get out of the way:

This coming Wednesday, Nov. 11, I will be live on the "Frank DeCaro Show" on Sirius-XM OutQ Radio (Channel 109), at 9:40 AM Pacific Time (12:40 PM Eastern Time -- and who the hell can figure out Central and Mountain Time?). So if you're a Sirius-XM subscriber, tune in! And call the show at 866-305-6887 if you want to chat with me!

I'll be on Frank's show to promote my appearances at San Diego's Mad House Comedy Club Friday and Saturday, Nov. 13 and 14, at 8 and 10 p.m. This will be my first time headlining weekend shows at a major club in San Diego, so I'm WAY excited and sort of petrified. For tickets or information, call 858-638-9000 or visit the club's web site.

OK -- promotion over. Story time.

Cast of Characters:
Me (Adam Sank, obscure gay comedian and tireless self-promoter)
Boy Wonder (My boyfriend, extremely petty officer in the U.S. Navy)
Catwoman (Our roommate, an even more petty officer in said navy)
Moto (An adorable, white, fluffy calico cat)
Diablo (A demented, smelly tabby kitten with poor bladder control)

First came Moto, who moved in with us about two months ago after Catwoman split with his ex-boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend kept their puppy; we got Moto.

I would have preferred it the other way around, having always been a dog person. When I was growing up, my family lavished embarrassing amounts of love and attention on Trixie, our half-cocker spaniel, half-wire-hair terrier mutt. Trixie was something of a local celebrity in our town. She spent most of her days hanging out in my father's pediatric office and her nights snuggling with my sister, Anna, who had a borderline-unhealthy attachment to her. Trixie lived to be 17 and wound up in a New Jersey landfill, but that's a story for another time.

It's shocking to me that I don't have a single picture of Trixie to post here, but I guess it makes sense, given that she died 15 years ago, before the advent of digital photography. If anyone has such a picture, please email it to me so I can pay due tribute to this beloved family pet.

Suffice it to say, I love dogs. Cats, on the other hand, generally piss me off. Living with a cat is like living with a severely hostile, obsessive-compulsive roommate who leaves fur everywhere and pays no rent. Plus, cats shit in a box which resides inside your home and which you have to clean out on a regular basis. Who needs that? Feh, I say!

I told CW as much when he announced Moto's imminent arrival. "Let me just tell you right now," I said. "I am not cleaning out that shit box EVER." CW walked past me without saying anything, as is his custom.

But I must admit, Moto won me over. She really is just about the sweetest cat ever. Calm... gentle... affectionate without being needy. She's kind of like a dog in that she'll let you do anything you want to her. BW likes to kiss her on the nose repeatedly, and she just sits there and lets him do it. And you can pick her up like a stuffed animal and move her anywhere in the house; the most she'll do is meow.


And she likes to nap in our drawers. HOW CUTE IS THAT?!

Plus, Moto is one of the cleanest animals I've ever met. She bathes herself obsessively and smells like a brand new fur coat. Even her litter box is inoffensive. And though I do hate coming home at the end of the day to find our black granite counter-tops covered by a layer of white cat hair, I accepted Moto as part of the family.

About a month after Moto's arrival, BW and I were hanging out in our bedroom when CW walked in, carrying what appeared to be a sewer rat in his arms. "Look who I brought home!," he exclaimed.

Enter Diablo.



Spawn of Satan.

BW and I were in shock. "What the hell is that, and why is it here?" I demanded to know.

"It's my new kitty," CW replied. "I stopped by the pet store, and he was all alone in his cage. I just had to have him." And with that, he walked out.

From the beginning, it was clear the Diablo was no Moto. For one thing, he stank. His fur was constantly matted and nappy. He never bathed himself, and when Moto would try, he would attack her. His meow was an ungodly, high-pitched squeal, like a cross between an autistic baby and a piglet. And when he relieved himself, which happened about 10 times a day, the rancid smell emanating from his litter box was overpowering.

After a visit to the vet, it was confirmed that Diablo had parasites, and CW began feeding him medicine via an eye-dropper every day. We thought maybe this would rid Diablo's shit of its toxic odor, but if anything, it only made it worse. In the meantime, Diablo began shredding all of BW's leather dining room chairs, the set of which had cost $3,000.

And then the pissing began.

At first, Diablo only peed on CW's stuff -- his sofa, his bed, his carpet. This seemed like just rewards to BW and me, so we were somewhat pleased. But before long,the kitten had found his way into our bedroom and settled on our bed as his favorite target.

After about the fifth time Diablo had completely soiled our blanket, sheets and brand new mattress, I lost it on CW. It was bad. I essentially became my mother at her scariest. My eyes bulged out of my head. My neck veins throbbed. A stream of bitter, angry invective flew from my mouth. CW actually got up from the sofa, came into our room and went about silently cleaning up the mess. If you knew him, you'd know how abnormal this is.

The next day, CW told BW he simply couldn't live with me anymore, given how I had spoken to him. Because clearly, I'm the one at fault here -- not the person who brought Rosemary's baby home to live with us without so much as a word of warning.

It's all for the best. BW and I had been talking for some time about moving into a one-bedroom apartment where we can have our privacy. We think we found the perfect place, and it couldn't be closer to where we are now. In the meantime, CW will continue living in the old place with Moto and Diablo and however many more cats he adopts until the lease runs out. BW and I plan to move out at the end of this month.


Right now I'm thinking how easy it would be to snap his neck.

Saturday night, with CW and the rest of our friends in Palm Springs, BW and I went out dancing until very late. It was such a beautiful night out that after we got home, we decided to have a nightcap on the balcony. I noted how healthy and lush my yellow rosebush was looking these days after a hot summer that had withered most of its leaves to dust.

At that moment, Diablo slunk out onto the balcony, climbed up onto the rosebush, and released a torrent of diarrhea. The best part was the expression on his face as he did it. It was like, "How do you like me now, bitch?"


You do NOT want to wake up and smell these roses.

That's it for now. Belated Mexico cruise pictures coming soon.

Homo shat upon.