No, my primary reason for tuning in was and continues to be the presence of Joan Rivers.
Saint Joan.
A disclaimer before I say more: Joan Rivers is one of my personal heroes. She became one of the greatest comedy stars of all times against insurmountable odds and has continued to reinvent herself over the decades in spite of some very tough knocks -- including the suicide death of her husband and manager, Edgar Rosenberg, and getting majorly shit on by Johnny Carson (who is not one of my personal heroes).
I've seen Joan perform live three times, and each time she's knocked it out of the park. Yes, she's a bit long in the tooth (and crazy looking from all the surgery), and a lot of her humor is hack, but she's still a genuinely entertaining performer. One night at the Duplex in NYC, I saw her ditch her set and go into 20 minutes of crowd work that would rival that of a comic one-third her age.
Most important, Joan is a truly lovely person. I've spoken to her one-on-one several times, including once when I conducted the pre-interview for her first appearance on Fox News Channel's morning show, "Fox & Friends," for which I was working as an associate producer at the time. Of the dozens of celebrities I pre-interviewed working for F & F , none were warmer or more personable than Joan. (Michelle Lee ran a close second. Kate Jackson was the world's biggest cunt. I can't even go into it here. Another time...)
Miss Jackson... and she's nasty.
On the day of the show, Joan sent word down to the newsroom that she wanted to meet me. No particular reason -- I was just a lowly AP who had interviewed her on the phone. But that's Joan. Two years later, she came back to do another appearance on F & F. I was no longer on the show, having become producer of the 9 a.m. "Fox News Live" hour. One of the production assistants came down from the green room to look for me: "Joan Rivers is asking for you. She wants you to come up and say hi." Truly amazing.
God, was I young.
So given my love and respect for Joan, it pains me, it truly does, to have to finally say to her what no one else will:
Joan it's time to cut the cord from that that no-talent, horse-faced daughter of yours.
Yes, friends, not only is Joan Rivers on "Celebrity Apprentice," but so is Melissa.
Those of you who watch awards shows -- that is those of you who are women or gay men -- are no doubt all too familiar with the void that is Melissa Rivers. For more than a decade, she joined her mother on the red carpet for what is arguably the easiest job in the universe: interviewing celebrities on their way into the Oscars, Emmys and Golden Globes.
That Melissa had zero talent and even less charisma was no surprise. Why would we expect someone to be entertaining just because her mother is entertaining? What was surprising is that through the years, Melissa never got any better. Ten years in, her interviews were still awkward and stilted at best.
"Now you've been nawwwwminated before," she'd bray to an all-too-patient star, "but this time you're just presenting. Does it feel different to you?"
'Please feed me a carrot.'
Oh, shit, I just accidentally published this before I was done. And now all of you who subscribe to my blog via feeds are going to be notified. No time to finish right now, so stay tuned for Part 2.
Homo out for now. ♥
1 comments:
Well said about the elder Rivers. My other favorite pioneer is Phyllis Diller - still going strong. Isn't it interesting they both used plastic surgery as part of their schtick? Was it simply brilliance to work in the obvious, or dumb luck? Looking forward to Part 2.
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