Grammar Queen

I'm a language snob; I admit it. If people don't speak or write well, I judge them. Harshly.

I inherited this trait from my mother. Phyllis reads about a book a week and has done so since childhood, so she has a frightening vocabulary and a stunning command of grammar. I'm not nearly the reader she is, but my brain is hard-wired for language. Errors jump out at me and jab like tiny needles. I nearly always have to stifle the urge to correct people.

My language snobbery is not something I'm proud of. Judging a person by how well he speaks is as valid as judging him based on his math skills or how well he plays an instrument (two areas in which I am essentially retarded). But I can't help it. It's an involuntary reaction.

I thought about this as I attended training sessions for my job this week. One of the trainers kept using the word "conversate" (sic).

When you conversate with people in the office, you need to always be professional...

And so forth. Each time she said it, I felt my balls tighten. It wasn't just that she didn't know the correct word was "converse." It was that she kept saying "conversate" when "speak" or "talk" or "chat" would have worked just fine. One of the things drilled into my head in J-School and working in TV news was that simple and straightforward is always better. No one in real life ever says "motorist" or "resident" or "evacuee," so it's ridiculous when an anchorman or reporter uses those words.

"Orientate" (sic) is another one that makes me insane. "Between you and I," an over-correction of the worst kind, gives me hives. And at my last job, when the trainer kept pronouncing "asterisk" as "ass-ter-ick," I had to leave the room.

BW worries about my language issues. First of all, because he doesn't want people to think I'm a pissy little bitch, and secondly, because he thinks I'm going to similarly judge him for his language foibles. In truth, BW speaks and writes very well. The only mistake he consistently makes that I can't help correcting is in his pronunciation of "nuclear." Like our former esteemed President, my boyfriend says, "NOO-cyu-lur." He tells me this is a common pronunciation for members of the military.

I have never understood this error. The word is pronounced exactly as it's spelled. And I can't help feeling like the mispronunciation is intentional. Like if you're a proud, patriotic ass-whuppin' Republican redneck, then by God you're gonna say "NOO-cyu-lur," not like those candy-assed liberal Democrat pussies with their fancy pronunciations. (For the record, BW leans left, as I do. Which is not to say he hangs to the left. But I digress.)

BW's concerns notwithstanding, some of my linguistic habits are rubbing off on him. We were watching Bravo's "Make Me A Supermodel" the other day, and he exclaimed, "That gown is absolutely hideous."

Something tells me they don't conversate that way in the military.

Homo snobby. ♥