(Just noticed that "blog" is almost a palindrome for "globe." Spooky, no?)
(Wait -- no it's not.)
Opening sequence with obligatory shots of celebs on the red carpet. What the hell is up with Drew Barrymore's hair?
J-LO OPENS THE SHOW? Um, why?
Here comes Best Supporting Actress in a film. And J-Lo just had to shush the crowd: "Hello? Mama talking... Mama talking." Awkward... Ohmigod, why is Marisa Tomei wearing that hideous linen thing?
Kate Winslet wins for something called "The Reader." She's sitting next to Leo, who is also in the film, I think. Kate looks nice, although the dress is a bit prom-ish.
Holy shit, J-Lo is wearing a gold lame shower curtain!
Here comes Sting! Wait -- is that Sting? He looks more like Bono!
Sting/Bono is presenting Best Original Song. The nominees are... oh, who cares.
Did Lauren Conrad from "The Hills" just stick her tongue out at the camera during presentation of "Best Song?" Why is she fucking even there?! I hate my life...
Note to Sting: Goth is over.
Bruce Springsteen wins for "The Wrestler" song. He actually opens with a joke -- "This is the only time I'm ever going to be in competition with Clint Eastwood." Not bad. Wow, Micky Rourke actually looks pretty good -- not nearly as roided out as he did in the movie.
This just in: Bruce is still married to that homely Patti chick.
FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Here comes Eva Longoria and some guy named Simon Baker. Isn't her name Longoria-Parker now? Oh, they just introduced this year's Miss Golden Globes, Rumer Willis! She's actually kind of pretty, though not as much as Demi.
I don't understand this award -- Neil Patrick Harris vs. Denis Leary? It's some kind of acting thing, but Harris is in a sitcom while Leary was in a miniseries ("Recount.")
Tom Wilkinson wins for "John Adams." Whatever. I was hoping NPH would win, as he's the only nominee I've actually met in person.
Supporting actress in something or another: Eileen Atkins (who?), Laura Dern (yay!), Melissa George (who?), Rachel Griffiths (awesome!) and Diane Weist (flawless!). Dern wins for "Recount" -- no surprise. She was really, really good as Katherine Harris. Plus, she was Miss Golden Globes in 1982!
Adam's annual play on the idea of tits as globes: Man, Eva Longoria's globes are looking particularly golden!
SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK. I have to say, these are underwhelming so far. Why do I care about this awards show again?
It's Don Cheadle, looking very dapper. Except for the massive diamond stud earrings. They make him look like a drag queen who's lost her wig.
Oh, Don is presenting clips from "Burn After Reading." Which I still haven't seen, even though I've had the screener sitting on the coffee table for a month.
Here's Eva Mendes. I still can't figure out how she's different from Eva Longoria. She introduces the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press, Jorge Camera. Best name since Lorenzo Music.
Yum yum it's Zac Efron, with that Hayden chick from "Heroes." Again I missed the category -- some actor thing. Seems to be lead actor in a TV drama.
If Jonathan Rhys-Meyers wins, I want to see him and Efron kiss.
Oh fuck. It's Gabriel Byrne, who's not even here. This show blows.
Two guys who star in the new "Star Trek" movie just walked out onstage. BW perks up noticeably.
They're handing out lead actress in a TV drama. It's a tough category, but the Globe goes to Anna Paquin for "True Blood." She's adorable, but I'm not sure about that gown.
Anna's got buck teeth like Madonna.
THIRD COMMERCIAL BREAK. I'm almost caught up and blogging in real time...
Here's Ricky Gervais. My sister Anna says his HBO comedy special is the funniest thing ever. He, too, tries to shush the unruly crowd.
Ohmigod, he's making Holocaust jokes. I love this man.
OK, enough. He's got the light, and he keeps chasing the dragon...
They're showing clips from something called "Happy-Go-Lucky." Never heard of it. Truly.
Here come the Jonas Brothers. What's the deal with these boys? Gay, right?
Best Animated Film: How come they only nominate three in this category? Doesn't matter -- it's "WALL-E's" year.
Yup, "WALL-E." Some guy who looks like a WASP-y Steven Spielberg is accepting.
IS ANYONE READING THIS THING YET? A COMMENT WOULD BE NICE...!
Johnny Depp takes the stage. Ugly tux, but he's still hot. He presents best actress in a movie musical or comedy.
If Meryl Streep doesn't win this, I'll eat the bean bag chair.
BW thinks Johnny Depp is high. Oh, no! Someone named Sally Hawkins just won! I am now pouring teryaki sauce on the bean bag chair..
Oh, God. Not only do we not know who you are, you're utterly boring. Please leave.
Still talking. This is the worst awards show speech of all time. And I still don't know what movie she's in.
GET OFF! TAKE YOUR UGLY-ASSED RHINESTONE EARRINGS AND GET THE FUCK OFF!!
FOURTH COMMERCIAL BREAK - Thank the Lord!
It's Jake Gyllenhaal. What's with all the facial hair this year? All the male stars look like scruffy bums.
Jakey's presenting clips from "Benjamin Button," which is the longest, boringest, least-deserving film of the year.
Damn... Brad Pitt looks hot. Even with facial hair.
Oh, it's Jessica "I look Older Than Dirt" Lange and Drew "I Just Stuck My Finger in a Light Socket" Barrymore. They're presenting TV movie or miniseries.
Does anyone even watch miniseries anymore?
It's going to come down to either "John Adams" or "Recount."
OK, it's "John Adams." Yadda yadda.
Tom Hanks is babbling away about how some guy named Gary Getzner showed up to the awards. Inside joke, I guess.
Demi Moore comes out. She really looks fabulous, although the top of her gown looks like crisscrossed dog collars.
What category is this? Lead actor in a drama? This show moves too goddamned fast!
DEAD RECIPIENT ALERT: Heath Ledger just won for "The Dark Knight." They're bringing up his corpse to accept. No, just kidding -- it's director Christopher Nolan.
Oh, this is a nice touch -- they're showing a clip of his performance. Now Nolan is paying tribute. What a fucking bummer. Don't over-do it with the pills, people. Just a total waste.
FIFTH COMMERCIAL BREAK. Why am I counting the commercial breaks? That will stop now.
Tom Brokaw totters out. He now sounds like a parody of himself.
I don't mean to sound like a pissy queen, but Brokaw's plain white dress shirt is wrong for a tux.
Clips from "Frost/Nixon," blah blah blah.
Fucking Yum City -- It's Colin Farrell. Now there's a guy who can pull off facial hair AND earrings!
Best Foreign Language Film. I care so little that I'm not even going to tell you the winner. But Farrell did just make a great cocaine joke: "(Sniffling) I have a cold. It's not the other thing that it used to be." Way to class up the Globes, Colin!
Some Israeli guy is accepting the award. Makes a nice plea for peace in the Mideast.
It's now Maggie Gyllenhaal, wearing some sort of lopsided sofa bed, and Aaron Eckhart, looking scrumptuous.
They're presenting Best Actress in a TV movie or miniseries. Shirley MacLaine looks like an aged sheep dog.
Laura Linney wins for "John Adams." Didn't see it, but I love her. Don't love the dress, though. It looks like one of those over-draped designs by that muscle queen from "Project Runway." His name is Rami, I think.
Why is Glenn Close dressed like a 1940's usher?
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Some hottie named Gerard Butler comes out. He's got some accent. Scottish? In any case, he doesn't read very well, introducing clips from something called "In Bruges." Why haven't I heard of half the nominated films this year?
Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks. He looks so skinny! And wow -- another cocaine reference. These awards are getting mighty racy...
They're doing best screenplay. The winner is "Slumdog Millionaire," a movie I still haven't seen but very much want to. Oy veh, Spellcheck thinks "slumdog" should be "Talmudic!"
Here comes Amy Poehler and Patrick Dempsey. I know everyone thinks he's so hot, but he doesn't do a thing for me. They're giving out Best Actor in a TV musical or comedy. How many musical TV shows are there, really?
Alec Baldwin wins for "30 Rock," and deservedly so. I've loved him ever since he called his daughter a little pig.
Ha ha -- he just sent out love to the little pig. Nice recovery, Alec.
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
It's Renee Zelwegger, looking puffy and old. Not digging the see-through top, either. Looks like she wrapped herself in cheese cloth.
She present clips from "The Reader." Oh, I was wrong, Leo's not in this one. This is the one where the Nazi lady seduces the teenage boy.
Here comes Terrance Howard and some beautiful woman I don't know. Whoever she is, she gets my best dressed vote tonight. (Just rewound -- it's Megan Fox.)
This award is for Best Actor in a TV drama or miniseries. No surprise, it's Paul Giamatti for "John Adams."
I like Giamatti, but the speech is a bit of a snooze.
Glenn Close and Laurence Fishburne come out to present. Because they make the perfect couple.
Wow, they're already doing best TV series, musical or comedy. It's so going to be "30 Rock."
Yup.
Here comes Tina Fey to accept. Am I the only one who's Feyed out? Oh, this is funny -- Tracy Morgan says he and Tina had a deal that if Obama won, he (Morgan) would accept the award on behalf of the show. His speech is one of the best of the night. Love the white dinner jacket, too.
COMMERCIAL BREAK. Not a single comment from you bitches yet. I may quit soon...
Yawn -- it's Pierce Brosnan. He's introducing clips from "Mamma Mia" -- the stupidest movie of the year. I hope they don't show him singing...
Out comes P-Diddy and Kate Beckinsdale, or as I call her, "Not Kate Blanchet or Cate Winslet." They are giving out the award for Best Score. The Globes goes to "Slumdog Millionaire."
Up comes a very short Indian guy to accept. Thankfully his speech is short, too.
It's Jane Krakowski and David Duchovny. Awkwardness No. 1: Duchovny apologizes for the fact that the producers got the Indian guy's name wrong. Awkwardness No. 2: He makes a joke about getting a text message from his wife. Uh, David, aren't you and your wife getting a divorce?
Ugh, Tina Fey wins Best Actress for "30 Rock." I was hoping Mary-Louise Parker would get it.
Hooray! My first two comments. Many thanks to Stephen (Harman?) and Anonymous.
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
To present tonight's Cecil B. DeMille Award, it's real-life Muppet Martin Scorsese.
Oh, fuck, does this thing not end at 10? I have to go to bed! And this tribute to Steven Spielberg is a sleeping pill.
While the Spielberg montage plays, I receive my third comment. Thank you, sndchsr.
Damn, had I known the montage would be this long, I would have made myself a snack.
Spielberg finally takes the stage to accept the DeMille award. I AM getting a snack!
Still talking. I am now eating a bowl of Raisin Bran Crunch. BW is going up to bed. I may join him in a few minutes. This is tedious, and I have to be up for work at Blue Elephant in the morning.
Still talking. This why directors shouldn't give speeches. The man has zero charisma. OK, he's done.
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Yikes -- diet pill commercial staring the now-elephantine Wynnona Judd. Let's hope it works, honey.
And we're back, with Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman. Emma's wearing some sort of black satin caftan. And they're both butchering whatever's in the TelePrompTer.
Best Director. Oh, God, another director speech. Danny Boyle is the winner for "Slumdog." Yeah, I got to see this movie...
Sigourney Weaver takes the stage. She looks both fresh and age-appropriate, presents clips of "Revolutionary Road." This is the one starring Cate and Leo -- another one I haven't yet seen.
Hey, look, it's Sandra Bullock! Remember when she was like the most popular actress in the world? Not so much anymore. Wow, the whole Roman drape thing is really huge this year. Nearly every actress under 45 is wearing some sort of variation of it. Rami's revenge, indeed.
Double-Yum! Colin Farrell just won an award for that "Bruges" movie! I'd like him to bruges me sometime. That doesn't make sense. I am tired.
He's talking about love. All I can think about is the sex tape he made with that whore.
Oy, Colin, this speech is over the top. Stick to the coke jokes, please.
COMMERCIAL BREAK. Getting close to my breaking point here, folks. I'll go 'til 10:30 and finish off tomorrow afternoon.
Beyonce's Loreal commercial is more entertaining than anything on the awards show.
Back with constant annoyance Salma Hayek. She's introducing clips of "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." I thought she was in that movie, but I guess it's Penelope Cruz.
Here's Sacha Baron-Cohen, who does a mildly funny plastic surgery joke. WOW -- HE JUST DID SOME SERIOUSLY HARSH MATERIAL AND GOT BOOED! HOLY CONTROVERSY!
Here was his riff: "The recession is hitting celebrities, too; Victoria Beckham hasn't eaten in weeks, Charlie Sheen has been forced to have sex without paying for it, and Madonna had to fire one of her personal assistants: Our thoughts go out to Guy Ritchie." Who knew Baron-Cohen was an insult comic? I kind of love him now.
Oh, and "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" just won best musical or comedy. Haven't seen it.
COMMERCIAL BREAK. I am off to sleep, kids. Final half-hour blogged tomorrow.
Homo globed out. ♥
6 comments:
wow, you really are doing this in real time. heh.
FIRST.
rososo.com is telling me as you update.
Jhonny Depp - was cracked out. Great blog by the way.
I'm so glad you did this. I couldn't sit through most of it hah.
Efron and Meyers probably did it back stage...with the Jonas Brothers. They traded their promise rings for cock rings.
Great eblog ;)
I can't believe you havent heard of Happy Go Lucky, In Bruges, dont know which film Kate and Leo are in and haven't seen the two best film winners. Clearly leaving NY has changed your pop culture exposure. LOL!
thanks for blogging these shows...saves me from actually watching...and your funnier!
This is much better than watching it.
As for the pills well, at least Heath didn't have to sit through the awards.
Every time I pass within two blocks of Therapy I miss you a little more.
!:@)
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