Blogging the Globes (The Conclusion)

This seems like such an exercise in futility: The Globes have been over for nearly 24 hours now, and sadly, very few of you seem the least bit interested in this recap. Nevertheless, I believe in finishing what I started, so here goes:

Here's producer Letty Aronson to accept the award for "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." Fun fact: Letty Aronson is actually Woody Allen's sister.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Here comes two Indians -- a man and a woman. There's a lot of Indians at the Globes this year! Pakistan must be pissed. Anyway, they're introducing clips from "Slumdog." 

Oh, now it's horse-faced Amazon Cameron Diaz and Hottest Man To Ever Live (besides BW) Mark Wahlberg. Their patter is inane. They're presenting Best Actress in a drama. If it's Anne Hathaway for that steaming pile of shit "Rachel Getting Married," I'll die. 

Thank God, it's Cate Winslet, for one of the five movies she's in this year. Wait -- that means she won two Globes this year. Wow! Oops, she just recognized the other nominees and forgot Angelina Jolie's name. (Angelina's response: "I want my Golden Globe back. I want MY Golden Globe back!")

Oh, shit. I've been spelling Kate Winslet's name wrong this whole blog. It' s Cate Blanchett who spells it with a C.

Kate with a K refuses to wrap up. She's holding this show hostage. Cut to Angelina again, looking bitter.

Kate tells Leo she's loved him for 13 years! Leo gets teary-eyed. Aww.

Now it's Kate Hudson and Rainn Wilson. Oh, wait -- that's not Kate Hudson, it's Blake Lively from "Gossip Girl." She looks awesome, actually.

Best TV Drama Nominees: "Dexter," "House," "In Treatment," "Mad Men," and "True Blood." This may be the first year ever that I haven't watched a single episode of any of the nominated dramas. Oh wait -- I have seen a couple "True Bloods." Anyway, "Mad Men" wins.

Bald, bearded creator of "Mad Men" also refuses to wrap up.  People suck.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Susan Sarandon appears wearing an oversized necklace that looks like some tinsel she grabbed off a Christmas tree. She reads the nominees for Best Actor in a Dramatic Film, referringto  "Benjamin Button" as "Benjamin Britton." (No, Susan. He was a composer.) And the Globe goes to Mickey Rourke! He was amazing in "The Wrestler," and who doesn't love a good comeback? But I had my heart set on Sean Penn winning for "Milk."

Mickey takes the stage, keeping his shades on. He uses the word "balls," as in those which hang in a sac. Then, describing director Darren Aronofsky, he says, "He's one tough..." and then the TV goes black for a few seconds. What was the bleeped word? Mutherfucker? We shall see...

Mickey says "balls" again. Then he thanks his dogs. Uh oh, they're playing him off.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Insane closeted robot Tom Cruise comes out (well, not comes out -- walks out) to present Best Film Drama. He actually looks fantastic, and the tux is perfect.

And the winner is... "Slumdog Millionaire!" A huge surprise, and now thousands of happy Indians are swarming the stage. (Actually, just a few Indians and some pasty white guys with really bad teeth.)

Music plays off the Slumdoggers, Tom says goodnight and we're done!

Homo anticlimaxed. ♥

P.S. Rourke didn't say mutherfucker -- he said "son of a bitch" -- but then Aronofsky gave him the finger, and that's why they had to go to black. Watch the clip -- and read about the dismal ratings -- here.