Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
"Adam," she said, "you finally reached us. None of us can figure out what the hell this picture is supposed to be. I mean, is it some kind of bug? Why would you send us this?"
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
By audition day, I felt like I had the speech down pat but was still shaky on the song. I kept discovering odd new things in the vocal track. For instance, "Emmanuel" was five notes, whereas "He has come to dwell," the very next line, was six (the word "dwell" being split into two).
And there were several times in the song where I was expected to hold a high note for 16 counts. I simply couldn't. I ran out of breath each time.
Choosing an audition outfit was another ordeal altogether. I wanted to look clean, conservative, Christian -- basically all the things I'm not. After finally selecting a cherry-red button down shirt, khaki pants and black patent-leather shoes, I shellacked my hair into a square helmet and headed off to Sea World aboard Carmen, sputtering all the way.
I hoped to make a splash.
Upon arrival at the Hubbs-Sea Word Research Institute, I found about a dozen other people waiting to audition. Most of them were women. More than a few seemed to be current Sea World employees hoping, I guess, to earn some extra cash for Christmas.
Now it was time to sing. Perhaps because I was pretty sure the situation was hopeless, I actually sang without fear. In fact, I sang my ass off! I remembered all the words and hit all the right notes and sounded a lot better than I had previously.
They thanked me, and I was ushered out by a young woman who told me to wait a moment. A small crowd of auditioners, including Ken, were gathered outside. "You were great!," he said. "We could hear you out here. You sounded much better than the guy before you!"
That was nice to hear.
The young woman reappeared. "Thank you very much for your audition," she said. "But at this time we are not going to be asking you to participate in our holiday program."
Sunday, October 19, 2008
First a bit of attention-whoring: I am featured in the current (Nov. 4) issue of "The Advocate!" A writer named Neal Broverman did a nice little write-up of the gay show I did at the Laugh Factory last month, under the headline "Queens of Comedy" (p. 13). In it, he quotes two of my jokes! Woo hoo!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The view from my window, as imagined by my mother.
Needless to say, I'm fine. The fire's under control, and it never came close to us. But I do appreciate the concern.
All Cooked up.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Stay tuned and check back here every couple minutes beginning at 9 p.m. ET, 6 p.m. PT.
5:56 Oh, goodie. We're watching the debate on CNN HD -- which means we get to see positively mind-boggling pie charts rating the candidates' answers on the side of the screen throughout the debate.
5:59 CNN just flashed the following fact: "After 1960, there were no presidential debates until 1976." REALLY? WTF?
6:01 Gwen Ifill's turquiose quilted jacket is fabulous!
6:03 "Hey, can I call you Joe?" Oh, Sarah. You're so folksy!
6:03 Ugh. On HD, Biden's eye-bags look bigger than Palin's beehive.
6:05 Holy huge fake eyelashes, Batman!
6:06 Yeah, Joe! Talk about Bosnia! Palin doesn't even know where that is!
6:07 The gloves are off. Biden points out that Mac kepts swearing the economy was strong even as the bottom was falling out.
6:08 Palin responds with the stock bullshit answer that Mac meant The American Worker. Yeah -- the workers are strong! Go workers!
6:09 "Neither of you answered my question about what you'd do as vice-president." You go, Gwen!
6:11 Hillarie Rosen's scorecard is still blank. Is she asleep?
6:12 If she says "Darn right" one more time I'm going to shoot myself.
6:13 Biden just called her a liar: Obama did NOT vote to raise taxes on people making 42k a year, and McCain voted the same way for the bill in question. This came up in the first debate, too. Can someone please fact-check this thing?
6:14 Sarah's getting sassy. "I may not answer the questions the way YOU want me to." Hear that, you darn liberal media elite? Kiss my snowboots!
6:16 Biden's getting sassy back! This is his best answer yet -- showing his passion for helping the middle class.
6:17 Oh, God, I hate her. I really really hate her. She's everything that's wrong with this country.
6:19 Biden:"Gwen, I don't know where to start." Yeah, Joey -- give it to her!
6:20 Uh, oh. He's sort of rambling now. "$5 thousand... $12 thousand..." And the Bridge to Nowhere jab was silly and gratuitous.
6:20 Ramble ramble ramble. Catwoman says: "Should have gone with Hillary."
6:23 Palin claims she broke up an oil monopoly in Alaska. Is that true? Anyone? Anyone?
6:24 "How long have I been at this -- five weeks?" Oh, bad bad answer. Bad, Sarah, bad!
6:25 "John McCain will not support a windfalls profits tax!" Speaking of windfalls, how bout talking in a way that makes sense to 90% of the morons watching Joe? God, he sucks at this.
6:27 Palin: "There have been so many relevations made aware..." Where did this bitch study language? Phone operators in Mumbai speak better English...
6:31 Oh, boy, is she bungling this answer about climate change. She sounds like that Miss Teen North Carolina: "Such as, however, as Governor of Alaska, being that, such as..."
6:32 I predict Joe's about to kick the shit out of her answer...
6:33 Maybe not. You know, he's saying all the right things. He just doesn't say them very well. He's got all the charisma of a dustbunny.
6:34 Boy Wonder points out that the women of American didn't like it when Palin said, "Drill, baby, Drill" on CNN's little on-screen insta-poll. On the other hand, the men of America are all masturbating.
6:36 Woo hoo! Biden supports granting same-sex benefits! He says the Constitution grants rights to us homos! Yay! Everyone have butt-sex!
6:37 Surprise! Palin supports "traditional marriage." But wait -- she's "tolerant!" So basically, we can't have any rights, but she won't burn us at the stake. Love ya, Sarah.
6:39 Uh oh. Biden says he and Obama don't support gay marriage either. Goddammit! I've already registered at Crate & Barrel...
6:40 Sarah is attacking Obama for voting against the surge and funding the troops. And she says Biden criticized him, too! I predict Biden will mention his son now...
6:41 No. He's babbling about timelines. Zzzz...
6:42 Palin: "Your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq!" Ooh, dem's fightin' words, Sarah. You don't want to wake the beast...
6:43 Palin just brought up the fact that Biden said Obama wasn't ready to be commander in chief. If he doesn't come back with a retort about her own lack of experience, he's a boob.
6:45 He's a boob.
6:47 Oh, God. She says "NUKE-yoo-lar." Just like Bush. I can't take it. I really can't.
6:48 But at least she can pronounce Ahmadenijad.
6:50 Biden's doing his best all night -- about engaging in diplomacy with our enemies. And yay -- he brought up the McCain in Spain thing.
6:52 Palin loves Israel! (Of course, she loves it because that's where the Rapture will happen.)
6:53 Biden really does rock on foreign policy.
6:54 Palin: "I'm so encouraged to know that we both love Israel." Bitch, please.
6:55 She's like a fucking wind-up doll. She says the same stupid catch-phrases over and over again. "John McCain is a maaaaaa-verick!"
6:56 Is that thing on Gwen's chin a zit? A wart? A boil? Yech.
6:57 Did she just call him "Kim Jong Uhl?"
6:58 Biden: "Facts matter, Gwen." Yeah, baby! "We have spent more in three weeks in Iraq than we've spent in seven years in Afghanistan." Go, Joe, go! "John McCain voted against the comprehensive test ban treaty!" Mmm hmm, Bidey. You give it to her!
7:00 She's losin' it.
7:01 Gwen asks Biden about his record as an interventionist. Palin silently wonders, "What's an interventionist?"
7:02 OMG! Did Biden just say "Bosniaks?"
7:03 "Oh, man, it's just so obvious I'm a Washington outsider." Yes, and also that you're a retard.
7:07 Palin: "John McCain knows what evil is." Just like Jesus!
7:08 Wow, did Gwen just ask what would happen if Obama were assassinated? Holy shit!
7:08 Ha ha -- Biden mentions The Bush Doctrine. Awesome!
7:09 Did Palin just wink at the country? Oh, Sarah... I feel like you're speaking just to me!
7:10 Joe Biden spends a lot of time in Home Depot.
7:11 OMG, It's a folksy explosion: "Oh my goodness... there you go again... doggone it..."
7:12 She just gave a shout-out to a bunch of third-graders. And she actually called it a shout-out. Somewhere, Abraham Lincoln just moaned in his grave.
7:16 What the hell is she reading?
7:17 Biden: Vice-President Cheney's been the most dangerous vice-president we've had in the history of this country." Friggin' brilliant line. And the insta-poll loves it!
7:18 She just repeated her exact answer from two minutes ago. She's seriously a stepford Governor. Also, she doesn't know what Gwen means by an "Achilles Heel."
7:20 Ooh, Biden just played the dead wife and kid card. Didn't think that was going to happen... Oh, and he just got choked up. Well played, Joe. Look for Palin to bring up baby Trig now.
7:21 Nope. Instead, she just calls McCain a maaaa-verick again.
7:22 Palin: "John McCain is the man that we need to leave... LEAD!" Best. Freudian. Slip. Ever.
7:23 Yeah, Joe! Call her on the maverick bullshit!
7:24: Final question: "Can you think of a single issue in which you are forced to change a long-held view in order to accommodate changed circumstances?" That's your final question, Gwen? What a snoozer!
7:25 Biden's answer is about Judge Bork. Interesting. Palin thinks Bork is a kind of meat.
7:25 Palin says there were times when she "caved in" on Alaska's budget. Yikes.
7:26 Boy Wonder proclaims Palin to be a "big fuckin' hillbilly." Amen, Boy Wonder, Amen.
7:27 Good tone-setting statement from Biden, although I think many people are probably wondering what's the big deal about Jesse Helms adopting a kid with braces. (Hint: He means LEG braces.)
7:29 Ooh, Palin's bashing the "mainstream media" in her closing statement. Stupid. Let your pundits do that.
7:30 Oh, God, she's quoting Reagan.
7:31 Good closing statement, Joe. "My dad used to say, when you get knocked down, get up. Well, it's time for America to get up."
7:33 Once again, my ass is asleep, and the debate is over.
This is really it, people! No more debate blogs!
Homo darn tired. ♥