Friday, March 28, 2008

Set Your TIVO!

I know, I know -- I haven't done a real blog in ages. I'm sorry, kids. This is what happens when your best friend starts dating someone and forgets all about you. I promise: A real blog soon.

But for now, yet more shameless self-promotion.

Please tune in to truTV (formerly Court TV) next Thursday, April 3 at 9 p.m. ET to see me as a commentator on "The Smoking Gun Presents: World's Dumbest," featuring video of some of the stupidest criminals of all time.

Here's a link to the show's web site.

I won't be at Therapy this Sunday, but come see the appallingly vulgar Brad Loekle host Maureen Langan, Sharon Simon, Shawn Hollenbach and Chad Stringfellow. Details here.

Homo out.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Hear Me, Hear Me

NOT A REAL BLOG! JUST A SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION!

Folks:


If you're a Sirius subscriber, make sure to tune in and listen to me on the "Derek & Romaine Show" this WEDNESDAY! (Originally I had told you it was Thursday, but it's since been changed.)

Here are the details:

Wednesday, March 19 at 8:00 p.m. (Interview starts around 8:15)
The Derek & Romaine Show
Sirius OutQ, Channel 109

Call in to be on the air! 866-305-6887



Homo out.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Truth Will Set You Free

It's been a while since I've done a television blog, and because my last post was practically bursting with bitterness, I figured I'd be a bit lighter of heart this week and talk about my current TV obsession: "The Moment of Truth."

If you haven't watched it yet, this Fox game show may represent the most brilliant TV concept of all time. Or it may be a sign of the Apocalypse. Or both.



That would be War, Conquest, Pestilence and Mark Wahlberg

The concept is deceptively simple: A seemingly ordinary person is hooked up to a lie detector and made to answer a number of excruciatingly personal questions. This happens off-camera. The part we get to see is when the contestant answers these same questions in front of his closest friends and family members, a studio audience and all of America. Each time he answers truthfully, he inches closer to winning several monetary benchmarks -- beginning with $10,000 and going all the way to $500 thousand.

It's basically "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" crossed with "The Jerry Springer Show," and I find it hopelessly compelling.

On the first episode, a former college football player-turned-personal trainer admitted -- in front of his wife -- that he had peeked at the genitals of his teammates in the showers. (And really, who hasn't?)

Later on, that same pecker-checker answered "yes" to the following question:

"Is the reason you've delayed having children because you're not sure you're going to be with your wife for the rest of your life?"

Remember, kids: His wife is sitting 10 feet away while he makes this confession.

Sadly, the cock-hawk lost all his money when he answered "no" to the question, "As a trainer, have you ever touched a female client more than is necessary?," after which the robot woman's voice intoned: "That answer is... false."

So just to recap, this man's wife goes home knowing that her husband A) Likes to look at other men's dicks, B) Isn't sure he's going to stay married to her and C) Fondles the women he trains. And she's not a dollar richer.

Come on, people, is that not great television?!


And P.S. I wouldn't mind peeking at his junk in the shower.

On a more recent episode, a woman in the hot seat admitted, in front of her hot cop husband, that she had had sex with another guy since getting married, and that she was not sure she married the right person. But the kicker was when an ex-boyfriend came out on-stage to ask her a question. (It's one of the show's most ingenius aspects that some of the questions are asked by people with whom the contestants are personally acquainted -- much to their surprise.)

Here was the ex-boyfriend's question:

"If I asked you, would you leave your husband for me?"

Her answer: "Yes."

Ba-ZING! By the way, her marriage is now over, as you can read here.

Oh, and she too left without winning a cent, after falsely answering "yes" to the question, "Do you think you're a good person?" (Which I think is sort of a bullshit question, because how does anyone really know the "truth" of something like that? Still, she's a lying slut.)

"The Moment of Truth" is surprisingly touching at times. On last night's episode, a Mormon who had become a serious drug addict and then recovered was confronted by his estranged father on-stage, who asked: "Despite the life you've led, do you think I still love you?"

"Yes,I do," the man answered, his voice quavering. They embraced, and both men wept. So did I.

That Mormon was pretty wild. In addition to the drug use, he admitted to having made a wax replica of his penis (?!) and to having had sex with the wife of one of his friends. Yet his wife and mother seemed to already know about all this, and he left with his marriage seemingly intact... and a $100 thousand.

And that seems to be the only way to win this game: Tell your family EVERYTHING before you appear on the show. And if there's stuff you absolutely can't tell them, don't go on the show. It's that simple.

It would be easy to rip this show as tacky, mean-spirited voyeurism of the worst kind, and certainly it is. But lurking underneath is something deeper -- an ongoing discussion about honesty, greed and contemporary values. What's more important: Your marriage, or $500 thousand? Does everyone in America engage in deplorable behavior when they think no one's looking? And, as host Mark Wahlberg often wonders, are some secrets better left kept, even from the ones we love?

Speaking of Wahlberg, he's the one big problem I have with the show.

First of all, this is not Mark Wahlberg.


Feh!

THIS is Mark Wahlberg.


Yum!

That other dork, who actually goes by the name "Mark. L. Wahlberg" to distinguish him from the incredibly hot Oscar nominee and former underwear model above, is a no-talent hack who has had an inexplicably long career as the host of such crap-fests as "Temptation Island" and "Joe Millionaire." He has all the charisma of a seashell. He manages to suck the energy out of even the most breathtaking moments of "Moment of Truth." He also seems vaguely embarassed to be asking these trashy questions, as though he were somehow above it all.

To make it perfect, "Moment" needs a host who possesses both a good sense of mischief and a tremendous capacity for compassion. Someone like me, say. Or perhaps Ricki Lake.

Nevertheless, tune in to Fox Wednesdays at 8, before "American Idol." You won't be disappointed.

And now, some recent Therapy pics:


Hofstetter, will entertain. March 9, 2008.


Shannon Sutherland and David Martin.


Sexy Lexi Cullen-Baker and a crunchy-haired me.
I took some pictures of Lexi about four minutes into her set.
Poor thing thought I was lighting her, and she wrapped.
Next time she'll get extra time; the crowd adored her.


A newly skinny Seth, Brad Loekle, and Boy Wonder.


Broad Comedy: Michelle Buteau, Helen Hong, Susan Alexander and Chantal Carrere.
March 2, 2008.


Headliner Rick Crom grabs the crowd.


Ain't this an artsy photo? I call it:
"The Busboy and the Lesbian."
Thank to Joey for his photographic stylings.


Helen, me and Chantal, obviously overserved.


My sisters, Laura and Anna, making their first ever Therapy appearance.
Feb. 16, 2008.
They were MORTIFIED that I brought them on-stage.


With Carol, my No. 1 fan/stalker.


Matt Daly shines... and not just from his head.


Jeff Lawrence gets stringy with it.


Yamaneika announces: "I might be pregnant. Let's see if it takes."


A rare appearance by syndicated radio diva Karith Foster.


And headliner Bernie Pauley is appallingly funny.

Enough! I've given myself carpal tunnel posting all these pics. If you want to see the real thing...

Come see me host the Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour this Sunday, March 16, when my special guests will be Michelle Buteau, Kendra Cunningham, Zach Rhinier and Diana Saez! Information on my web site.

Homo out.

P.S. Spellcheck thinks "Yamaneika" should be "Afrikaners." Ironic, no?

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Fuckwad Forgiven

Because a number of you have expressed genuine concern, I wanted to let you know that "Todd" has forgiven me. I brought him a fruit smoothie this morning (the gay equivalent of an olive branch), and we talked it all out. He was extremely big about the whole thing, and it's essentially over and forgotten now.

I am grateful and also humbled. And I'm reminded, once again, of the power of words, and of the fact that having this big fat mouth of mine is both a blessing and a curse, and that I really have to make sure that I use it for the good of others.

Homo out.