First a bit of attention-whoring: I am featured in the current (Nov. 4) issue of "The Advocate!" A writer named Neal Broverman did a nice little write-up of the gay show I did at the Laugh Factory last month, under the headline "Queens of Comedy" (p. 13). In it, he quotes two of my jokes! Woo hoo!
I'm in here!
This is my first mention as a comic in a national periodical. Sadly, the Advocate doesn't include all its contents online, so I can't link the piece here. If any of my technically-minded readers out there want to scan the hard copy and email it to me as a high-rez jpg, I'd be most appreciative.
About a month ago, I saw a Craig's List posting seeking holiday emcees and singers at Sea World. Having literally no dignity left and even less cash, I applied immediately. My audition date and time were set, and then two weeks later a large packet arrived by mail.
In it were a multitude of employment forms, a script and a music CD, along with instructions to memorize the latter before my audition.
The script seemed easy enough, if heavy on the sap:
Good evening, and welcome to Shamu Stadium, and our very special Shamu Show! (Pause.)
Christmastime is here again, and what a wonderful, magical time it is. We are all touched by the wonder of Christmas. From the promise of a visit from Santa... to the enchantment of presents that magically appear under the tree.
'Tis the season for caroling, gingerbread, mistletoe and holly. 'Tis the season to reminisce of Christmas past. This is the season to rejoice in the love and laughter of family and friends... from families here at home... to a soldier in a distant land.
Throughout the world, this special time of year brings us together as we turn our thoughts to peace, love and hope for the future. Joy to the World, Christmastime is here!
On second read, I took some issue with the writing style. "Enchantment" and"magically" struck me as redundant. Pick one or the other -- not both.
And what was with the non-parallel construction of "'Tis the season...," "'Tis the season..." and then "This is the season...?" Why two "'tis's" followed by a "this?"
Also troubling was the itemized list: Caroling, gingerbread, mistletoe and holly. Lists are tough to memorize, especially when they contain seemingly unrelated items in random order. Caroling is an activity done outside. Gingerbread is a food baked and (usually) eaten indoors. Mistletoe and holly are almost the same thing in my mind, except that the former is hung and kissed under, while boughs of the latter are used to deck the halls.
(Also, are mistletoe and holly really among the things people most look forward to at Christmas? Perhaps these are rare, magical enchantments here in this godforsaken desert climate, but back where I'm from we have mistletoe and holly coming out of our ass.)
And forget trying to use alphabetical order; it's ruined by the holly's coming at the end.
A problematic list, to say the least.
A) Caroling
B) Gingerbread
C) Mistletoe
D) Holly
It's like the verbal SAT for elves.
In the end, the best I could do was come up with the following mnemonic device:
Carlos Gave Me Head.
The song was another challenge altogether. I consider myself something of a Christmas carol aficionado. I am proud of the fact that I can recall by heart every verse of "The 12 Days of Christmas" (speaking of absurd lists) and countless other holiday ditties.
So it was with some distress that I didn't at all recognize the song I was tasked to learn: "Christmas Time is Here."
Now, some of you are immediately thinking of "A Charlie Brown Christmas," when all the little Peanuts screech in unison:
Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of year...
Would that that were the Shamu show song.
Instead, I had to learn an obscure carol by someone named Michael W. Smith. The lyrics follow: (Click here if you want to sing along, keeping in mind that there's an interminable musical intro before the vocals begin.)
Ring Christmas bells
Ring them loud with the message bringing
Peace on the earth
Tidings of good cheer
Come carolers
Come and join with the angels singing
Joy to the world
Christmas time is here again
Children gather around and listen
You'll hear the sound
Of angels filling the sky
Telling everyone
Christmas time is here
Ring Christmas bells
Ring them loud with the message bringing
Peace on the earth
Tidings of good cheer
Come carolers
Come and join with the angels singing
Joy to the world
Christmas time is here again
Loved ones close to our hearts
And strangers in lands afar
Together share in the joy
Emmanuel
To tell the world
He has come to dwell
The time is near
With one voice
Let the world rejoice
Christmas time is here
Ring Christmas bells
Ring them loud with the message bringing
Peace on the earth
Tidings of good cheer
Come carolers
Come and join with the angels singing
Joy to the world Christmas time is here again
Children gather around and listen
You'll hear the sound
Of angels filling the sky
It's Christmas time is here again
It pretty much sucks, right? It's droning and repetitive and utterly lacking in melody. Moreover, it's arranged in a terrible key for me -- right at the break between my chest and head voice. At one point I have to belt a high E-flat -- not a note you ever want to hear me belt.
(Incidentally, Sea World didn't supply sheet music -- only lyrics and a vocal track. I had to use an online piano to figure out which notes I was actually trying to sing.)
Also, who the hell is Emmanuel? Is he, like, Jesus's black cousin? I had no idea.
Needless to say, I was daunted.
To be continued.
Homo out of water. ♥
3 comments:
How must Shamu feel about this? For all we know he's Jewish. Let's hope he doesn't fly into a rage at the tidings of cheer and eat you up. Oh- don't let your mom know this is a concern.
to be continued? you do this on purpose don't you? hah
I can't believe it's almost Christmas. I'd like to have something hung to kiss under too...but the mistletoe will have to do.
Look forward to hearing the rest. You really need to consider writing these as a script for a sitcom.
If you want, I will put in a good word for you. I mean, I DO do two shows a week in the big tank. And anytime Shamu is hungover I have to go on for him. And that orca LOVES jaegermeister!
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