Tuesday, September 25, 2007

This Just In...

Sorry, folks -- not a real blog. I just wanted to share some big news:

Comix just booked me to MC Roseanne Barr's shows next week!


'Who the hell is Adam Sank, and why is he hosting my shows?'

Needless to say, I'm thrilled. I've performed with Roseanne once before -- at Gotham, about three years ago -- but I had a 103-degree fever that night and left before her set. I'm psyched just to meet her, let alone MC for her.

Anyway, the shows are at 7:30 and 10:00 on Wednesday, Oct. 3. If you want to come, buy your tickets here.

A full blog coming Thursday (I hope), including a recap of the September Gay Bash and my two-year anniversary at Therapy.

Oh, and if you want to laugh your ass off, watch this. It's my favorite YouTube clip of the moment.

Homo out.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

By Popular Demand: My Emmy Recap

HX magazine ran a nice feature about me in advance of my Gay Bash Thursday and the two-year anniversary at Therapy Sunday. Read the interview here, and much love to Brandon Voss of HX (and for Jeff Hardy for taking the photo).

Also thanks to Gay City News, Next Magazine and New York Magazine for listing the Gay Bash so prominently. Sadly, Rhyme Pout Jew Pork did not feature me in "Joke of the Week," despite once again tantalizing me with the possibility. They clearly hate me. I give up on them.


Somewhere, my rabbi is frowning.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, what with both shows looming. But as always, I will try my best to entertain you folks with...

MY THIRD ANNUAL EMMY RECAP!
(Or maybe it's the fourth. Who can keep track?)

In truth, I didn't think it was such a bad show. Yes, Ryan Seacrest is no Johnny Carson, but he's an amiable enough host. And really, the only thing award show hosts do these days is an opening monologue, and Stewie and Brian from "Family Guy" took care of that with their little song, which I thought was kind of funny -- especially when they mentioned "The Sopranos" and the screen suddenly went black.

That number was certainly a lot funnier than Ray Romano, who was way off his game. (And what the hell did he say about "Frasier" that Fox deemed so objectionable they had to cut away to dead air for five seconds?) UPDATE: Apparently, he said, "Frasier is screwing my wife" -- a reference to the new Kelsey Grammer/Patricia Heaton sitcom. My, how shocking!

I frankly liked the "in-the-round" set, and the musical routines -- a Tony Bennett/Christina Aguilera duet and a Jersey Boys tribute to "The Sopranos" -- were very entertaining (though the juxtaposition of AJ Soprano trying to drown himself while the boys sang "Who Loves You" was bizarre, to say the least).

Also, who knew Paulie Walnuts's hair was actually two-tone in real life?!

And now, the Sanky Awards!

Best Dressed (Female): Katherine Heigl, in a white Zac Posen.
Katherine Heigl
Nice acceptance speech, too.

The "I Made My Dress Out of Old Sheets and Leaves" Award: Jenna Fischer.
Jenna Fischer
And what's with the beehive?

Funniest Moment:
The nomination video put together by the writers of "Real Time With Bill Maher," showing all of them tapping their feet (and doing all sorts of other scandalous things) inside a row of men's room stalls. The perfect kicker was Bill Maher stepping out from the last stall and taking a spritz of Binaca. Absolutely hilarious.

Second-Funniest Moment:
Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher's impromptu bit before they presented the award for Best Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program. Between Garrett's jokes about Fisher's eye-popping boobs ("That reminds me: I have to buy milk") and her hilariously topical put-down ("You wouldn't even make Craig's List. Unless it was Senator Craig's list"), this is what the whole telecast should be like.

Least Funny Moment:
Ryan Seacrest's lame Vanessa Hudgens bit with the audience blogger. Leave the comedy to the pros, Ryan.

Dishonorable Mention:
John Stewart and Steve Carell's environmental consciousness bit. Simply not funny.

The "The Only Thing Hanging Lower Than My Tits are My Earrings" Award: A Postpartum Marcia Cross.
Marcia Cross
At least the tits weren't turquoise.

The "Senior Moment" Award:
To Sally Field, whose loopy acceptance speech made less sense than Vanessa Williams's ostrich-with-cancer gown. No wonder they cut away from Fields's anti-war rant; she hasn't been that disturbing since "Sybil."

The "Who Cares if I'm Pregnant? I Can Still Dress Like a Two-Bit Hooker" Award: Christina Aguilera.

Christina Aguilera
Thank God she can sing.

The "Who Gives a Shit?" Awards:
Anything having to do with a miniseries or made-for-TV movie. Yes, "Roots" was a cultural phenomenon, but that was 30 years ago, before cable TV. Raise your hand if you watched "Broken Trail." Anyone? Anyone? I thought so. Let's move these categories to the Creative Arts Emmy Awards and shave an hour off the primetime telecast. (So I could do my Therapy show afterwards.)

The "Please Have an Egg-Roll" Award: A Skeletal Sandra Oh.
Sandra Oh
Oh, me so hungry!

Weirdest Thematic Transition:
When the montage of late-night-show one-liners suddenly became all about the death of Tom Snyder. It was like "Ha ha ha...wah?" Speaking of which, didn't it seem like A LOT of major stars died this year?

Worst Time to Take a Piss:
Judy Davis, who was nowhere to be found when she won her Emmy for "The Starter Wife."

Best-Dressed (Male):Charlie Sheen.
Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen
Still doable after all these years.

The "Guess Who's the Butch, Guess Who's the Femme" Award: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia di Rossi.
Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi
And why is Ellen wearing a curtain tie-back around her neck?

Cutest Couple: Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick.
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick
Love the whole Spy vs Spy motif.

Scariest Couple: Heidi Klum and the Grim Reaper.
Heidi Klum, Seal
Let's hope he takes her soon.

And for anyone who missed it, here are the actual winners:

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES:
JEREMY PIVEN, Entourage

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
TERRY O'QUINN, Lost

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
JAIME PRESSLY, My Name Is Earl

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH, Broken Trail

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
KATHERINE HEIGL, Grey's Anatomy

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY PROGRAM
Late Night with Conan O'Brien

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY PROGRAM
Tony Bennett: An American Classic

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
ROBERT DUVALL, Broken Trail

OUTSTANDING MINISERIES
BROKEN TRAIL

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A DRAMA SERIES
The Sopranos

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES
The Sopranos

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY SERIES
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC OR COMEDY SPECIAL
TONY BENNETT: AN AMERICAN CLASSIC

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
JUDY DAVIS, The Starter Wife

OUTSTANDING MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIE
BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR A MOVIE
HELEN MIRREN, Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A MINISERIES, MOVIE OR A DRAMATIC SPECIAL
Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A MINISERIES, MOVIE OR A DRAMATIC SPECIAL
Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)

OUTSTANDING CREATIVE ACHIEVEMENT IN INTERACTIVE TELEVISION
CURRENT TV

OUTSTANDING INDIVIDUAL PERFORMANCE IN A VARIETY OR MUSIC PROGRAM
Tony Bennett: An American Classic

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A COMEDY SERIES
Ugly Betty

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A COMEDY SERIES
The Office

OUTSTANDING REALITY/COMPETITION PROGRAM
THE AMAZING RACE

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
RICKY GERVAIS as Andy Millman

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
SALLY FIELD, Brothers & Sisters

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
AMERICA FERRERA, Ugly Betty

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
JAMES SPADER, Boston Legal

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES
30 ROCK

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES
THE SOPRANOS

That's it! I'm done! Last blog before my Gay Bash this Thursday, starring Judy Gold!
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? BUY YOUR TICKETS NOW!!!!!!



Homo out.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

A Very Special Oprah

So I know you're all dying to learn how much money I've raised since Wednesday's blog solicitation. As of this minute, 4:30 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 9, I've received donations in the amount of $4,400.


Score!

Oh, wait -- make that $44. Actually, make that $41.21, which is what I'm left with after PayPal takes its cut. Actually, make that $25, which is what I'll have after taxes.

In total, I received funds from five separate donors. The largest of these came from the lovely Kelly of Sturbridge, MA. The smallest -- a single buck -- came from my friend Seth. (Thanks, you cheap bitch.)

Seriously, my sincere thanks to Kelly, to Seth, to Amy, to Tommy and to an anonymous donor who believes charity should be done in secret. (And see if you Soapboxers can't figure out who that is.)

Oh well; back to the drawing board. I did get lots of good ideas from people about how to "monetize" my blog (without having to panhandle to do it). I plan to make some modifications in the coming weeks and months. Stay tuned.

Incidentally, anyone who found it creepy that I asked for money from my readers ought to consider this: How is that different from asking for money from people who come see my shows? Whether I'm on-stage or online, I'm trying to entertain people. I'd venture to guess most of my blogs have been far more entertaining than the bringer shows I forced my family and friends to sit through -- and pay for -- when I was first starting out in comedy. And there's no drink minimum to read the blog. (Although I encourage people to drink while reading it. Except you, Tommy.) Plus, your money in this case goes to me, rather to some sleazy parasite who makes his living off bringer shows.

ANYhoo, some of you may be wondering, "Hey, Adam, why no personal photos in a while?" Well, it seems my "new" camera -- the camera Jeff loaned me after my old camera broke -- is now broken as well. I asked my friend Walt from Little Rock (a k a "Feathers the Unicorn") to take a bunch of pictures with it at my Aug. 26 Therapy show, and the batteries died as he was doing so. I loaded it with fresh batteries, and... nada. It won't turn on anymore. This sucks. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy a new camera, preferably one that takes video. Wish I had some money with which to do that...



I'm just sayin'...


Fortunately, Walt took some photos with his own camera.


Christian Finnegan, Vicki Ferentinos, Money-Grubbing Me,
Jill Twiss and Ben Lerman. I look pregnant.


Christian and Walt. Right now, Christian's thinking:
"How much gayer will this get before I can get the hell out of here?"

Speaking of which, Christian was a smash -- joining Steve Hofstetter, Joe DeVito and Jeff Mac in that rarefied group known as "Straight Guys Who Kill at Therapy." He's a doll, too.

There's a lot more I want to talk to you about, but my computer's moving so slowly right now that I've lost the will to live. I need to shut down, restart in safe mode and do a complete virus scan, and that takes a while. Ugh.

OK, one quickie before I go:

Friday I stayed home from work. (I had to work Saturday for reasons too mundane to detail here.) Anyway, I watched Oprah for the first time in months. On this show, a repeat, the theme was "Extraordinary Kids." Oprah had as guests an Indian kid who performed his first surgery when he was seven, a 12-year-old opera singer, a teenager who started her own natural hair products business, an Austrian girl who can memorize people's names and faces in minutes and a brother-sister juggling team.

All were very impressive, especially the Indian Doogie Howser. But in addition, Oprah had, as her special correspondent, Daniel Cook.

Daniel Cook is a nine-year-old Canadian kid who hosts his own talk show, "This is Daniel Cook," which airs on the Disney Channel. He's also the star of his own line of books and DVDS. Apparently, he's like Ryan Seacrest for the tween set -- a huge friggin' star.

Image:DanielCookDVD.jpg
This is me not giving a shit.

Daniel's catch-phrase is "Here we are!," which he repeatedly shrieks at the top of his lungs whenever he's shown in a new locale. His job on Oprah was to hang backstage with the other child prodigies doing "behind-the-scenes" interviews with them. Oprah also sent him to New York Fashion Week to cover the shows.

Unfortunately, there's really nothing special about Daniel Cook. He comes across as a typically awkward, possibly gay nine-year-old doofus. In fact, contrasted with these other whiz-kids, he seems a bit retarded.

Oprah struggled to interview him at several points throughout the show, and you could see she was thinking to herself, "Who booked this little shit?" He also made a total ass of himself at Fashion Week, at one point rolling around on the red carpet like he was having a seizure. When one of the models told him that her Swarovski crystal-covered dress weighed eight pounds, he responded: "Wow! That weighs more than my entire rock collection." Really? That sounds like a pathetic fucking collection. What are you collecting, Daniel, pebbles from the driveway?

Meanwhile, the Indian kid was performing surgery at seven! He's in medical school now trying to find a cure for cancer! And this little fuck gets his own television show?! Even the jugglers were more impressive.

OK, now I REALLY have to go -- Therapy show tonight and so forth.

In the next blog: The proliferation of MySpace spam, why Usama bin Laden would be hot if he had a makeover and Domino's Pizza's latest attempt to kill us all.

Homo out.

Come see me celebrate two years as the host of The Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour on Sunday, Sept. 23 with an all-star lineup including Robin Fox, Brad Loekle and Jackie Monahan! Details on my web site.

And don't forget to buy your tickets NOW to my Gay Bash, happening on Thursday, Sept. 20 at Comix, starring Judy Gold, Rick Crom and many fabulous others! Tickets available here.




Wednesday, September 5, 2007

And Now a Word From My Sponsors...

So I've been blogging for a while now -- more than three years on Comedy Soapbox, a year and half on MySpace. Almost from the beginning, I've gotten tremendously positive feedback. It's impossible to know how many readers I have, since neither site records unique hits. But I do get emails and online comments consistently from folks, many of whom I've never met, who tell me they look forward to reading my blog every week.

So I was thinking last night: Perhaps there's some money to be made here?



After all, keeping this blog up to date takes a tremendous amount of time and effort on my part. And Lord knows a number of blogs, including Gawker, Towleroad the Huffington Post generate major revenue through advertising. Then again, these are major blogs that attract hundreds of thousands of readers a day -- a far cry from my little comedy blog.

Also, getting sponsors would mean having to remove my blog from these two popular sites. I could do that; I could have my web designer create a blog page on my personal web site. But would traffic decrease dramatically? Most definitely. Also, how does one even sign up advertisers? I don't know anything about that stuff. Maybe I'll look into it sometime soon.

In the meantime, I'm going to try a little experiment right here and now:

If you're a regular reader of this blog and would like to throw a little cash my way to show your appreciation, click here:


The button above will link you directly to a PayPal page, where you can wire me whatever amount you'd like instantly. (You just have to set up a PayPal account if you don't already have one. It's free, easy and safe.)

A couple things to keep in mind as I make this solicitation:

1) Any donation you make is NOT tax-deductible. I am neither a charity nor a non-profit organization. I'm just someone who'd like to start paying off his mortgage and eventually be able to quit his day job and support himself through wholly creative endeavors.

2) I am not starving or living on the street. If you're trying to decide whether to support my blog or Hurricane Katrina victims, by all means, pick them.

3) I don't want anyone to send significant amounts of money here, unless you are truly a person of means. $5 or $10 would be extremely generous.

4) By no means should you feel obligated to send a single cent. This is purely an experiment to gauge the popularity of my blog, and whether or not there is sufficient support to attract advertisers.

5) If you DO decide to send something, I would be eternally grateful and would mention your name in my Academy Award acceptance speech.

I will keep you all posted as to the total amount (if any) raised.

In the meantime... keep reading.

Homo out.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Notable Quotables

Happy Labor Day, Kids!

No, not my regular Thursday afternoon blog posting. Instead, just for fun, a collection of some of my favorite lines and quotations, in no particular order. Feel free to add your own.

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."
--Dorothy Parker

"I give you bitter pills in sugar coating. The pills are harmless, the poison is in the sugar."
--Stanislav Lec

"Welcome change."
--Fortune Cookie Taped to my Bedroom Wall

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
--eden ahbez

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."
--Oscar Wilde

"When you pursue your personal legend the universe will conspire with you to make it happen."
--Paulo Coelho (writing in "The Alchemist")

ROSARIO: Listen lady, in my country I was a schoolteacher.
KAREN: Oh yeah? Well in this country, you wash my bras.
--"Will & Grace"

"Instant gratification takes too long."
--Carrie Fisher (writing in "Postcards From the Edge")

"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America."
--Bill Clinton (First Inaugural Address, 1993)

And finally, the single greatest sitcom speech of all time. Queens, recite it aloud with me in your best Dixie Carter voice:

JULIA: Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?

MARJORIE: Why, yes I am.

JULIA: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help overhearing part of your conversation.

MARJORIE: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.

JULIA: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie.

For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality; and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway.

Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept.

And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was THE Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton; that baton was ON FIRE. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face!

And that, Marjorie --- just so you will know --- and your children will someday know --- is The Night. The Lights. Went Out. In GEORGIA!

--"Designing Women"


Fierce!

Homo out.

Come see me host the Electro Shock Therapy Hour next Sunday, Sept. 9, when my guests will be Bernadette Pauley, Daniel Siegel and Joanne Filan! Details on my web site.

And don't forget to buy your tickets now to my next Gay Bash, which returns to Comix on Sept 20. Click here to do so!