Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Lifestyles of the Reichen Famous

When did "Oh, Holy Night" become the world's most popular Christmas carol? Don't get me wrong; it's a lovely song. I especially enjoy the 98 Degrees version from their 1999 holiday album, "This Christmas." But lately it seems like I can't take a dump without hearing "Oh, Holy Night." I turn on NBC's Rockefeller Tree Lighting Special, and there's John Legend singing "Oh, Holy Night." I walk into any New York City store or restaurant, and they've got "Oh, Holy Night" blaring over the sound system. I watch the latest episode of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," and they show a New Orleans brass band playing an instrumental version of... wait for it... "Oh, Holy Night!"

Oh, Holy Shit -- enough already! There are far better Christmas carols, people, including "White Christmas," "The Little Drummer Boy" and my own personal favorite, "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)."

With the constant repetition of "Oh, Holy Night," I've had the chance to really listen to the lyrics:

Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? And what's with "dear Savior?" Isn't "dear" more appropriately used to describe things like grandparents or puppies? Not, ya know, GOD?! "Oh, God, you are so dear. Thanks for saving my soul. That was like, so sweet of you."

Maybe it's something we Jews just weren't meant to understand.

Speaking of not understanding, I find myself baffled and bewildered by two major celebrity breakups this week -- those of Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn and, on the gay side, Lance Bass and Reichen Lemkuhl. The end of these relationships pains me -- not because I care one whit about any of individuals, but because, if these incredibly rich, famous, beautiful people can't make their relationships work, what chance do I have of ever finding lasting love?

I actually met Reichen once. It was shortly after he and his ex-boyfriend Chip won "The Amazing Race 4." My boyfriend and I (who were just beginning our own horrible breakup) were huge fans of the show, and we were psyched that a gay couple had won.

Anyway, my ex was on Fire Island for the weekend (up to no good), and I went out to g, a gay bar in Chelsea. There was a group of very loud, apparently fucked-up people dancing together in the middle of the bar (which was in itself odd, as there's no dancing at g). I was struck by the sight of one of them because he was the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Very tall (around 6'4'), very blond and very muscular. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was Reichen. Then I noticed Chip (also tall but not nearly as cute) and the two straight couples from "Amazing Race" who had come in second and third place. (If this sounds far-fetched to you, it shouldn't; I've met several reality TV stars, and they all hang out together, as if in a fraternity.)

Anyway, I approached Reichen to tell him my boyfriend and I were fans (and also because I wanted to know what he smelled like close up). He must have been really lit, because he grabbed me and wrapped his enormous arms around me. (He smelled wonderful, by the way.) "Hey Chip," he slurred, "this guy says he and his boyfriend are fans of ours!" Chip regarded me as one would a mound of poo.

I hung out with them until I started to feel like a crazed D-list stalker -- about five minutes -- and then headed outside to smoke a cigarette. A couple minutes later, Chip came out and approached me, a big friendly smile on his face.

"Hi, I'm Chip."

"Right, I know. I'm Adam - - I was talking to you and Reichen inside."

"Can I have a cigarette?"

And that, friends, is as exciting as things got.

He's even hotter in person.

A few months later, the boys announced that they had divorced. (They had gotten married in some cockamamie ceremony shortly after winning the million bucks.)

Reichen and Chip in happier days.

I was thrilled; at last I could have Reichen all to myself. Then that bitch Lance Bass snagged him.

Now they're history, too. So Reichen - - if you're reading this - - our time has finally come! Call me!

Come see me host the Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour this Sunday, Dec. 10 at 10 p.m., when my headliner will be the mother of all stand-up comics, Robin Fox! Also performing will be Jeff Mac and Donny Moss! Details on my web site.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

A Star is Borin'

Last night I watched the DVD of "A Star is Born" -- the 1976 version with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson. What a piece of shit. The film had two earlier incarnations -- the 1937 original with Janet Gaynor and Fredric March, which I haven't seen, and the 1954 version with Judy Garland and James Mason, which is wonderful.

But, God is the '76 one bad. First there's Barbra who, with her giant pubic mound of hair and long bumpy snout looks, in profile, like nothing so much as a standard poodle.

Her character, Esther Hoffman, is (surprise surprise) an annoying, Jewish, hard-headed singer with a Brooklyn accent who never shuts the hell up. What a range that Babs has as an actress.

But as irritating as Streisand is, at least she has that gorgeous voice. Which is more than one can say for Kristofferson, who can neither act nor sing, and who looks so emaciated one worries Esther may snap him in half during one of their frequent bouts of awkward lovemaking (the most disturbing of which, in a bathtub, ends with her applying makeup to his face; don't even ask).

Seriously, how could Kristofferson have ever been cast as John Norman Howard -- a God-like rock star with legions of fans? He performs every song as if he's had a tracheotomy, like that guy on the smoking commercial who can't go swimming because his throat hole will fill up with water. It doesn't help that all of John Norman's songs were obviously written by someone who hates rock 'n' roll with a passion. Streisand's songs, which suggest Liza Minnelli in a coke-fueled disco rage, aren't much better, save for the Oscar-winning "Evergreen." Even that number is ruined when Kristofferson leans over and gives her a wet tongue-kiss just as she's reaching the musical climax. DISGUSTING! To quote Aunt Liz, the only funny recurring character currently on SNL, I give this film a "Wha?!" and a "Gha!"

In my last blog, I had almost wrapped up my LASIK surgery saga. Here are the final pics:

Moments after surgery. With my crossed eyes and that
thing on my head, I look a bit like
Barbra Streisand in
"A Star is Born."
Nice smile. Here I look like Clay Aiken. But gayer.
Dr. Joe examines my eyes while I examine his lips.

It's now been two weeks since my surgery. My eyesight continues to fluctuate somewhat. Some days I feel the need to squint to see distance; other days I can see through people's clothing, Superman-like. And my eyes still feel dry and sore sometimes. But overall, I'm very pleased with the results, especially at the gym.

Had a lovely Thanksgiving with the extended Sank clan in New Jersey. We all seemed to imbibe more than usual this year, which always leads to fun. Highlights included my Uncle Steve's mashed potatoes, my mother's shocking fuchsia waistcoat, and a dramatic reading by my ever-growing brood of nieces and nephews.
My mother, far right, with her three daughters.
Me, flanked by many small people.

Had to deal with an unusually hostile, passive-aggressive crowd at Therapy the Sunday before last."Where are you two guys from?" (silence) "What's your name, sweetie?" (silence) "Are you circumcised?" (silence + angry glare) and so forth.

By the end of the show they were actually throwing feces at me. Fortunately, they were nicer to Sherry Davey, Mike Weiss and Shannon Sutherland.

And this past Sunday things were a million times better -- one of the best nights we've had there, actually. Pictures coming soon.

Come see me host the Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour this Sunday, Dec. 10 at 10 p.m., when my headliner will be the mother of all stand-up comics, Robin Fox! Also performing will be Jeff Mac and Donny Moss! Details on my web site.